It has been a challenging few years personally as I have been on a journey of losing my mother to dementia while searching for my authentic self. It has been a surprise to me to learn that so much of my self-identity was borrowed from how my mother perceived me. I am working to unclench her vision of me and what I “ought to do” from my unfolding vision of myself. I think it is natural to come to this moment fresh out of my graduate program with new ideas and uncovered passions. But I feel stuck somehow. Perhaps it is because so much of my life is in-between.
My mother is lost to me yet still alive. I am getting ready to return to the classroom with half my students, half the day in a scenario that is new and uncertain. I know that I have ideas and skills to offer, yet there are no hands to receive them. I feel a bit shaken by these things and am forced to choose between bravery and fear to step forward. But like most of you, I am tired and weary from struggle and loss.
I had a moment in church this morning – a feeling of conviction. Not because I was being preached at, but because I was offered this blessing:
May God give you the grace to never sell yourself short; Grace to risk something big for something good; and Grace to remember the world is now too dangerous for anything but the truth and too small for anything but love.
So what does one do to crawl out of the in-between into what simply is? I am not sure, but I suspect it is by reaching up and grabbing onto even the tiniest hold with assurance that I have the strength to maintain my grip and let go of my other hand so it too can reach for something I cannot see but have the faith to know is there.
Reflections of an Evolving Teacher 